Foster Care Fortnight: The power of relationships - helping children in care learn to trust and thrive
Our Publications Manager, Jo Francis, had a conversation with Paul Calder, a foster carer, who works for FosterTalk. Paul is also part of the author team that created the children’s book - Where did my dinosaur go?, a colourful picture book that explores what it’s like to move to a new place, and how children can develop trust in new adults. In support of Foster Care Fortnight, and it's theme (the power of relationships), he kindly shared memories of how he formed a bond and established trust with the children and young people he cared for.
Jo Francis (JF): Children in care can lack trust because of early experiences where they found they couldn't trust adults. When they come into care, they almost have to unlearn that behaviour and relearn how to trust. Paul, can you relate to this?
Paul Calder (PC): Absolutely. I've been a foster carer for 12 years now. One of the first things you try to build is trust between yourself and the child. Every young person is different.
Take a young boy I cared for, let’s call him ‘Luke’. He couldn't trust anyone-me, the family, anyone. He was very closed off and quite negative at first. It was tough going. One turning point came when we took part in an event run by Virtual Schools. They organise away days so young people can try new things like horse riding or climbing. Luke was only 14 at the time, but I managed to get him onto a day trip meant for 16- to 18-year-olds because his brother, who was 17, was also attending.
I dropped Luke off, but a couple of hours later I got a call saying he was really upset. The older kids were picking on him. He was looking forward to the day, so I rushed back. We sat in the car and talked through what happened. I explained why some young people pick on others, often because of their own insecurities.
Then I took him back to the tutor and told him I’d be parked nearby all day so he could enjoy himself, knowing I was there. It turned out to be a great day. At the time, Luke didn’t realise the significance of it. He didn’t thank me, and I didn’t expect him to. But if you asked him now, he’d tell you that was a turning point when he started to trust and realised someone cared about him.
JF: That’s such a powerful moment. You made a promise and showed up for him.
PC: Exactly. And it really paid off. There are lots of little moments like that with different young people I've cared for.
Just yesterday, I took one of my young people to the dentist. She’s 17 and has a phobia of needles. She had to have a tooth removed, and I was with her the entire time. I sat next to her, held her hand, and reassured her about the gas mask she was afraid of. I even pretended to try it myself so she wouldn’t be scared. It took a while, but she got through it, and I praised her for it.
Building young people up so they know you’re there for them is crucial. Trust builds over time, but it can also be broken easily-by us or by them. Say I leave £20 out and it goes missing. That’s my mistake. It's tempting, like leaving a cream cake out or chocolate – I wouldn’t be able to resist. But even if trust is broken, you can build it again. That foundation is key.
JF: It’s all about repetition, isn’t it?
PC: And consistency. That’s vital. I try to show that to every child I care for.
JF: I recently spoke with ‘Luke’, and he mentioned the day you sat in the car. It clearly had a big impact on him, even though he might not have expressed it at the time. It’s interesting to hear both perspectives.
PC: Absolutely. I wasn’t expecting anything from it. It was just about being there for him. If he’s come back years later and recognised that, it makes me proud.
JF: What are some practical tips for foster carers when helping a child settle into a new environment?
PC: Every carer is different, but I remember how nervous we were when our first young person arrived. It was terrifying. But you have to flip your thinking—imagine how the child feels. They’ve just been removed from their family, regardless of the circumstances. That home is what they know. Suddenly, we’re the enemy. They're scared and confused. Sometimes they won’t even know if they're allowed to go to the toilet at night because of what they've experienced before.
Don’t bombard them with house rules. Just explain the essentials-where the toilet is, that the landing light stays on, and they can come out if they need to. We use night lights in their room and on the landing etc.
If you have other children in the home, it’s helpful to ask them to show the new child around. It helps everyone feel involved and builds a sense of family. Children relate better to each other than they do to us adults.
For children with autism or ADHD, keep instructions simple and bite-sized. You need to check they understand, even if they say they do. I've had young people for over a decade and still break things down into small steps: go upstairs, brush your teeth, call me when you’re done. Then move on to the next step.
JF: That’s such useful advice. And so much of it is about tailoring your communication to the child.
PC: Yes, 100%. Even simple routines need to be adapted. And praise matters-praise at their level. One of my young men has autism and ADHD. He won’t be a brain surgeon, but he can be the best version of himself. If he cleans the sink after brushing his teeth, that’s a win. Another young lady can cook a roast dinner now. We celebrate each success based on where they are in their journey.
JF: That’s knowing your children-really knowing what they’re capable of.
PC: It’s about building them up and showing them you notice and care.
JF: Have you got any tips for foster carers or social workers about small actions that can make a big impact?
PC: Definitely. Let’s talk about food. Most kids come wanting nuggets and chips, and thank goodness for nuggets! But we also make sure there’s always fruit available-bananas, kiwis, oranges, grapes. They don’t even have to ask. There’s also a treat drawer for crisps, snacks, etc.
It’s about creating an environment where food is accessible and not something to hoard or steal, because that’s been their reality. And instead of always pointing out what they’re doing wrong, catch them doing something right. Praise goes a long way.
JF: It really shows that you’re paying attention.
PC: Yes. It helps build confidence and a sense of worth.
JF: Can you share an example of supporting a child through a particularly challenging situation?
PC: There are so many things carers do behind the scenes that the child never knows about. For instance, my young man is now going to a specialist college. I fought hard to get him into the right school when he was seven. It cost a lot and involved taking the council to court. The primary school admitted they couldn’t handle him, and he was constantly being sent home.
Eventually, we found a specialist school that was perfect. Just recently, the council agreed he could go to a specialist college. Initially, they wanted him to go to a mainstream one with 5,000 students. That would’ve been a disaster-he’d have been vulnerable to county lines or getting into trouble.
Now, he’s in a place where he can thrive. He doesn’t know what went on behind the scenes-and he doesn’t need to. But that’s what we do as carers: we advocate for them.
JF: That’s so important. Children need someone to fight for them.
PC: Yes, and not every child can do that for themselves-especially those with autism or ADHD.
JF: Have you found that sharing stories helps children open up?
PC: Definitely. Our book, Where did my dinosaur go? is now being used in Skills to Foster training. Friends and colleagues have promoted it, and it’s really taking off. I genuinely wish I had it when I started. It doesn’t matter how old the child is developmentally-stories can help them relate and start conversations.
I talk about my own experiences too. I didn’t have a great childhood. I lived with my aunt and wasn’t in care, but it wasn’t easy. Sharing that helps me connect with them in ways some carers might not be able to.
JF: That’s what makes your experience so valuable.
PC: I’ve lived it, so I often know what a child is thinking before they even say it. I didn’t learn it from books or courses-I lived it.
JF: Any final thoughts on helping children feel at home in a new place?
PC: It makes life easier for everyone if they settle quickly. We call ourselves a weird family-I tell them I’m the weirdest! It helps them relax and feel like they belong. Everyone has chores and contributes. We use ‘Go Henry’ cards so they can earn money and learn responsibility. One of my lads cuts the grass, another cleans the windows (just the downstairs ones!).
It builds a sense of ownership. When they feel part of the home, things run more smoothly. Of course, there’ll be some conflict-there always is in families-but you deal with it and move on.
JF: That’s been brilliant. Thank you so much, Paul. It’s been a real pleasure talking with you.
PC: Thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity.