Coming home to self

Nancy Verrier’s book, The primal wound, in which she elaborates on the “wound” that results when a child is separated from their mother, and the lifelong consequences this can have, is a classic in adoption literature. This sequel considers the effects of separation trauma on brain development and offers an insight into the barriers that prevent many adopted people from achieving an authentic, mature and satisfying adulthood.

In a broad sense, this book has two main objectives: one is to help adopted people find the authentic Self, a self which has been distorted by living without genetic markers and mirroring (being reflected back) as they grew up in non-biological families. The other is to help them come into their own power and sense of responsibility. Coming home to self offers a way for change, for the inner wounded child to grow up and respond to their environment – family, friends, relationships – in a more appropriate manner in order to achieve fulfilment and experience joy.

This is a demanding book. It can be a difficult and painful read because of the emotions it evokes in all members of the adoption triad. But it can also bring relief as it can be a great help in acknowledging, understanding, and validating the wounds created by the trauma of separation between mother and child, and in offering a way forwards. This understanding can help adopted people, adopters and birth parents. It can provide validation for the experiences and feelings of adoptees, who have often felt misunderstood; it can bring solace to birth mothers, who have long been denied the truth of their loss; and it can be a source of information for adopters, so that they can better understand and respond to their children.

This book is a must for anyone struggling with unexplained feelings and insecurities caused by adoption, or for anyone involved with adoption who would benefit from an insight into how adoptees may think and feel

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